far-fracking out! on the ropes with lisa & chu

Et tu, Brute?

EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson fracked away before a congressional hearing today, a hearing called to effectively — and without anesthesia — ‘cut the balls’ off her baby, the Environmental Protection Agency. Lisa had ’em by the short ones, she did, with a searingly convincing defense of the EPAs investigation into the safety of natural-gas drilling and the development of novel solutions to regulate ongoing hydrolic fracturing.

“Fire?” Lisa screamed. “They’re worried about those little fires in their sinks? I’ll show them fire! The EPA has a scorched earth policy when it comes to any one who fracks with our water and air.”

Highly controversial, hydraulic fracturing is employed to extricate deep shale pockets of natural gas by jetissoning high pressure injections of chemicals, sand and water into the ground.

<img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1267/5189152977_947e4c2f32_z.jpg&quot; hspace="10" align="left" width="250"Just last month, haughty congressional democrats — ever on the alert for improprieties when it comes to Big Business, gleefully announced that oil and gas mega-giants Halliburton and BJ Services Co. had already injected over 32 million gallons of toxic fluids underground — without government approval!

January, 2011: Overheard in showers of Congressional Gym

BlueDog South: “I think that might be a violation of the Safe Drinking Water Act.”

Retiring West Coast Dem, one stall over: “Don’t even go THERE! Dick’ll do a helluva lot more than curse you out this time. He’ll rip your fricking heart out!”

Junior senator from a midwestern state:
“No fracking way Halliburton’d try to pull off something so utterly unAmerican. That’d be like Miles Davis thinking he’s famous enough to frack notes on purpose.”

BlueDog South: “What the frack does Cheney care, anyway? He’s got a prepaid on the first shuttle out to the 9th multiversal dimension. (Watch The muliverse has 11 dimensions)

Flashforward: March 3, 2011

Jackson, before subcommitttee:
“There is no ‘look the other way’ stand-down” on concerns about natural-gas drilling, she said. “We intend to do our jobs.”

Right Arm, Lisa! Right fricking arm!


Ms. Jackson said the EPA is investigating the use of a unique organic ‘brew’ to treat contaminated waste water, which, she reported, was causing genetic mutations, most specifically evidenced in BP-oil-drenched craw fish which had been reverently relocated to spawn in Colorado’s fired-up, ready-to-go rivers.

The recipe
* 700M ounces organic locallly grown raspberries
* 200 thousand freshly juiced cranberries
* 8.5 M squirts of Elmer’s glue
* 2M liters home brewed ginger ale
* 2M liters home pressed aged apple cider (non-alcoholic)
* 6M gummi snakes candy

If companies like public water-treatment plants cannot guarantee the safety of hydraulicaly fracted wastewater —a central concern igniting critics of this extraordinarily flamboyant drilling method — the EPA stands at the ready to apply rigorous regulations and standards.

“Finit! Caput! Like to the moon, Alice,” she said. “A one way ticket. To the frackin’ moon.”

In her opening statement before the U.S. House Appropriations Subcommittee on Interior, Environment and Related Agencies, Lisa said she had no doubt at all that the EPA would win the sordid and conscience-less hearts and minds of the Koch-aholic bloated Congress. The EPA will receive “bipartisan support in Congress for funding the essential work that keeps American children and adults safe from uncontrolled amounts of harmful pollution being dumped into the water they drink and the air they breathe.”

Or else.

Or else? “The EPA has plans to subject every BlueDog and Repug to fMRIs to insure each and every one of you still actually has a functioning cerebral cortex,” said Lisa. “Even if none of you adhere to the Constitution of the United States, We the People have a right to know that the puppets representing us still possess mirror neurons, for God’s sake.”

“At the least, each one of these stooges should have to take the Myers-Briggs,” she shouted over her shoulder as she deliberately dosey-doed down the Capital Steps, before firing up her solar powered jetpack to head to her next meeting deep down in the hostile territory of Fox Country: Tennessee.

All together now: RMFAO

Hovering over the Capital dome, as the sun segued seductively over the polluted Potomac, inspiring an eerie-in-pink, GHG-induced optical illusion of the ancient, long retired Admiral Tilt Riverboat, Lisa paused and shouted down: “As head of the EPA, I am accountable for ensuring that we squeeze every drop of public health protection out of every dollar we are given. So I support the tough cuts in the President’s proposed budget. But, I am equally accountable for pointing out when cuts become detrimental to public health.”

All together now: BULL SHIT!

Bull Shit

Scale ingredients to servings
1 oz Hpnotiq® liqueur
1 oz Red Bull® energy drink
1 oz sloe gin

Mix ingredients together in a shaker with ice, and serve into a large shot glass or tumbler.

A-Chu: Outta the Ballpark …

Fly me to the moon By Alda Cravo Al-Saude

In another sign that Congressional Democrats are feeling their oats and taking a blisteringly brutal position towards America’s addiction to fossil fuels, Sen. Kent Conrad, D-N.D., called on U.S. Energy Secretary Steven Chu to stop pussyfooting around. He ordered the Secretary to “grab the frigging bull by the horns” and design a high-speed top kill to avert disaster.

“As we look to cut spending to bring down the deficit, we need to ensure that energy remains a priority,” Conrad said. “We need to focus resources on programs that promote domestic production and energy efficiency, and that encourage private-sector innovation and the adoption of new technologies. And we need to ensure that every dollar we spend on energy is spent wisely.”

Chu had already presented his prepared statement, which obviously flew over the faux-feathered hybrid-plugged Congressional heads.

His proposal suggested:

* the injection of hydrofracking waste materials to rev up robotized assembly lines in their assembling of an advanced top-secret initialized system of qubits arranged along a quantum algorithm Time Saved: 3.6 years. Costs saved: $3.2 billion.

* the creation of a two-state system for altEd (alternative energy development) using Hilbert space transformations which would enable US altEd manufacturers to precisely co-habitate virtual and real space spectrum studies utilitizing diverse factors in mutually perpendicular algoryhthms. Time Saved: 2 years: Cost saved $2.5 billion.

* Using a spin-1/2 particle to convert fermions (gas and/or oil) from their inherent complaince to Fermi–Dirac statistics to Bose–Einstein statistics (B–E stats), thereby ensuring the ability to distribute identical and indistinguishable bosons over the energy states in thermal equilibrium. Time Saved: 20.5 years. Costs saved: $1.3 trillion

* Applying the Pauli exclusion principle using a Skew-symmetric matrix to transpose the square matrix of A (energy) into non-negative Pf(A)s states (cleaner sources of electricity). Time saved: 50 years. Costs saved: $2.7 trillion.

Applying Cartesian Logarithmic spirals (aka) Spira mirabilis, to Boost energy efficiency in homes and buildings through the use of the fundamental theorems of infinitesmal calculus. Time Saved: Incalculable. Costs saved: Incalculable.


Hydraulic Fracking 101
The Whole Fracking Enchilada


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