some crossposts on ‘the work’
… Still, I’m on this journey lately. A journey back to the time before all hell broke loose in my psyche, ripping apart the integral bonds which had afforded me an admittedly shaky and vulnerable footing in ‘reality.’
Some 16 years ago, a major break in my neural circuitry, precipitated by a major bout of insomnia, won me membership in the community of mentally and emotionally challenged individuals whose doctors prescribed psychotrophic intervention.
Finally, after years of battling the ever worsening side effects of this treatment, I have launched myself on a road to authentic recovery. Using yoga and exercise and meditation and healing music. Supplements and cognitive therapy and affirmations and seeking new patterns of being in the world. Redefining myself.
I succeeded in January of weaning off one of the drugs in my pharma-cocktail, in halving the dosage of another, and, three weeks ago, began the process of tapering off Effexor XR. Today marks my third day on 75 mg, down from a one time high of 300 mg.
To say I am scared shitless would be an understatement. (continue)
KosAbility: The Taking of The Cookie & Tea
I started thinking weeks ago about the choice of my topic today… would I discuss my lifelong battle with what has come to be recognized as Major Depressive Disorder? Or perhaps, the pain of the necessary disassociation with my nuclear family, still trapped in the toxic web of alcoholism and denial? Maybe I’d write about the existential loneliness which characterizes so many global citizens as they search in desperation for community.
But then I thought, it’s all been said before. This time, I want to focus on my abilities, to discuss my recent work cultivating a parallel sense of myself, a self who is just beginning to test the waters of life at age 60. A person striving to find a new way to delicately balance herself as she lives out her days tossed about in this bundle of contradictions which defines life on this delicately fragile planet of ours.
What I am realizing now is that the ‘primordial stuff’ of my essence has been there all along, functioning behind the curtain as the stable grounding force of my identity. It exists in the ability to re-experience or recreate memories of times and places in which I felt the most keen sense of being alive … And it is the intensity of these experiences, the rarified nature of their aliveness, which constitutes the core of who I am. The part of me which perseveres … continue
Chronic Tonic: Brain Fog & Memory Loss and Meds. Holy Shit
… I write about this because since I wrote this posting 3 years ago, on my highly unpublicized personal blog, Brainzaps, more people have responded to this entry than any of my other research. People from all walks of life. And the message board I mention? Hundreds more comments are associated with this post, which was first put up in 2006! In fact, there are more comments since I first visited it in 2008 than there were in the two years preceding it.
The comments I am receiving at Brainzaps are heartbreaking. And they also are recent. More and more people are experiencing memory loss and cognitive decline, thinking they have early onset Alzheimers’, in fear of losing their jobs because of their cognitive problems. Losing entire YEARS. Not knowing if they’ll ever be the same. Wanting to sue WYETH, the manufacturer.
And take a look at this … (continue)